September 28, 2006

Trash Talkin'

Current Netflix rental:
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 2, Disc 2

Well, one of the biggest football games of the season takes place this weekend for Tech. They're playing the Aggies at Kyle Field on Saturday. Let the jokes begin! Please share yours.

An Aggie was down on his luck so he decided to go out and kidnap a child to get the ransom. He went to the park and snuck up on one of the kids. He grabbed him and took him behind a tree. He told the kid that he was kidnapped and pinned a note on the kid's shirt that read:

"I have kidnapped your child. If you want to see him again, put $20,000 in a sack and leave it in front of the tree at the park. --- An Aggie."

He told the child to make sure his parents saw the note and sent the child home.

The next day the Aggie went to the tree to find a sack. He looked inside to find the money he had asked for and a note that read:

"How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"

from Aggie Jokes!

An aggie engineering student was so relieved to get a summer internship that he didn't care that he would be painting highway stripes for the DOT. The first day, he painted 10 miles of stripes. The foreman was impressed. His second day on the job, the aggie only painted two miles of stripes. Since he had done so well his first day, the foreman decided to excuse his lackluster performance. The third day, the aggie only painted one mile worth of stripes. The foreman thought this was inexcusable and asked the aggie, "What's the deal? Your first day you did so well. The second day was not so good. Today, you did less work than I did."

The frustrated aggie replied, "I'm sorry boss, but I just keep gettin' farther and farther away from the bucket!"

an oldie but a goodie from Dad!

And look who ended the the longest win streak in NCAA Division 1-A football. The stormin' Mormons of BYU went and whooped up on TCU. That really stinks. Tech lost to a team that lost to BYU. I'm not sure what the implications of this will be. The world might end tomorrow. What will you do with your last hours?

Speaking of the Y, here's an interesting clip from today's police beat:

BYU NewsNet Police Beat: Sept 28, 2006

Only at the nation's #1 Stone Cold Sober school do the kids play hide and seek on the weekend. Same goes for guys serenading girls who don't love them. Be careful up there, Wendy, there are a lot of weirdos.

Guns up, Raiders!

Guns up!

September 23, 2006

A Married Person's Guide to Dealing with Singles

Currently watching:
an amazing football game between Notre Dame and Michigan St.

I usually feel the urge to say something tacky in my entries, hoping that someone will comment or send hate e-mail or something! However, it seems that no one is actually reading this blog except me. So let's kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure why it is that so many marrieds feel superior to singles. Maybe its for the same reason the gainfully employed feel within their rights to insult those at the bottom of the corporate food chain, or why homeowners scoff at renters, or why parents feel quite comfortable asking childless couples when they plan to reproduce. An optimist would theorize that the former are happy in their situation and merely want to share that with others, but I usually just say that misery loves company.

I simply aim to give advice to those married folk who want to maintain good relations with their single friends. You may have already abandoned them in favor of socializing with fun couples. They may have abandoned you after your repeated attempts to set them up with friends and relatives. (Or they may have abandoned you because they're sick of your kids pulling their hair and breaking their jewelry. It's hard to know.)

A few points of advice to those who want to avoid social faux pas by insulting their unwed friends:

Don't call your single friend only when you have someone you want to set her up with. This is a transparent move which will be seen through as soon as your number comes up on the CallerID.

Many single people believe they are leading busy, fulfilling lives. You know this is quite impossible, but you should avoid constantly alluding to your own "real life" as much as possible.

Being single does not equal being desperate.

Don't say:

  • Everything will be okay [when you're married]. (untrue)
  • Why don't you move? (hostile)
  • You don't want kids? (absurd)
  • When you're in your thirties, you'll be sorry that you didn't date. (tacky)
  • You're too picky. (my personal pet peeve)
  • You'll meet the perfect guy and forget about your ex. (heartless)
  • You can't give up and quit dating! (too confrontational)
  • There must be something wrong with you. (obvious)
  • If you find that you've already committed one or more of the above social blunders, it may be too late to repair the damage. My recommendation is that you leave your spouse and/or child(ren) with a sitter and treat the single to a girls' night or boys' night. Watch an action movie or controversial documentary together. Don't talk about the opposite sex. This is one way you can reach out.

    Finally, keep in mind that the above advice comes from a girl who is such the old maid, she decided to become a librarian to seal the deal - a girl who was so surprised and flustered when a guy held her hand that she stepped flip-flop first into a sludgy mud puddle - a girl so repulsive that she has been dumped by a person she was not dating (Can you imagine? Men banging down her door to say, "I don't want to date you!" I will provide the name of said beast upon request.).

    I'm actually a closet romantic, but a girl has to have standards.

    September 17, 2006

    Separation Saturday

    Current Netflix rental:
    The Office: Season 2, Disc 1

    This was certainly one of the more depressing Saturdays I've had in awhile. The Big 12 certainly stunk it up. I thought the Red Raiders could win their game against TCU, but they went and ruined my football season. Mike Leach quoted in a Star-Telegram article: "That was the sorriest offensive effort I have ever seen. I coached the worst offense in America, which would make me the worst offensive coach in America." Dad said that he'd better give Tech a $200,000 refund on his salary.

    TCU coach Gary Patterson said:

    "People have been underselling our kids for years. All everybody wants to talk about is the Big 12," Patterson said. "I get tired of being treated like a stepchild in this state and in this town, and our kids do too. ... I have a lot of respect for Mike Leach and his staff. Don't get me wrong. The bottom line is, I'd like to get a little bit here at TCU."
    I find Coach Patterson's boasting amusing since his team didn't even score a touchdown. And come on, in the Mountain West Conference, they're playing the likes of BYU. They don't know how to play football in Utah! Hi Wendy.

    What kind of world are we living in when Clemson can beat Florida State anyway? Miami dropped out of the Top 25? Michigan scored 47 points against Notre Dame in North Bend? I'm scared to leave the house tomorrow. Just to psyche myself up for the week, I think I may watch my tape of the 2002 Texas v. Texas Tech game where we upset the fourth-ranked Longhorns, 42-38. Ah, the good old days of Kliff Kingsbury, Wes Welker, Nehemiah Glover, and Taurean Henderson.

    Texas Tech's Wes Welker pulls in a five-yard touchdown pass in front of Texas defender Dakarai Pearson during the third quarter. November 16, 2002. AP Photo

    Smiling for the ladies? I'm not really as worked up as you'd think from reading my rant. Football is just good, clean fun. I got to go watch Scott play on Friday night. That was fun. He had some good tackles. He said he was so aggressive on the offensive line that his coaches jokingly told him to quit playing defense on offense. They won 56-24.

    September 9, 2006


    Current Netflix rentals:
    Why We Fight Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 2, Disc 1

    It's that joyous time of year again. Changing of the seasons. Proud, splendid colors everywhere you look. I'm talking about football season! We've had great football weather here in Lubbock. A major cool down made it feel like sweater weather this week. Right now I'm watching Ohio State and Texas duke it out. I always root for a Texas team against any other state, and a Big 12 team over any other conference, even if that means rooting for the Longhorns. I'm hoping they pull out a win, but it looks like this one will go to the Buckeyes. That's a bummer. My own alma mater is playing tonight, but the game isn't on network TV. Sounds like that game will be an offensive battle. Ought oh. I'm worried about my Red Raiders. I see UTEP took the lead. What do you think of the new uniforms? I hear that Coach Leach decided that we needed to actually have a team of RED Raiders this year.

    Texas Tech receiver Joel Filani, left, reached to pull in a long pass during the first quarter after getting behind Texas-El Paso defender Quintin Demps, Saturday, Sept. 9, 2006 in El Paso, Texas. The pass fell incomplete. AP Photo/Victor Calzada

    Tonight for dinner I tried cooking for one. I never do that, but I might pick up the habit. I tried a recipe for Tomato Basil Soup. I reduced the recipe from eight servings. I put too much cream in it. It was still okay with my Grilled Mozzarella Sandwich. I spent more money than I ought on fresh mozzarella. It was good enough to eat by itself, though. Later tonight, or maybe in the morning, I'm going to make a yummy-sounding recipe Aunt Holly recommended. How good does this sound?: Chocolate-Hazelnut Gelato.

    I've had a heckuva week. Probably the most interesting thing that happened was when I mailed my car keys to Utah. I packed a box of things to send to Katie, and I took it to work to mail it, so I could take advantage of some free bubble wrap. I threw my wallet and keys in the open box at one point, and unfortunately, before I mailed it I forgot to take my car keys out of the box. Anyway, I didn't realize what had happened until 5 o'clock when it was time to leave. At first I just thought I had locked my keys in the car or something, but as I started walking out, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd tossed my car keys into Katie's package that morning. Oops! More bad karma?

    9/11 Memorial  Kastman Park  Lubbock, TX

    It's hard to believe that Monday marks the 5th anniversary of the events of September 11, 2001. Where were you when you heard about the hijacked planes? I was at the orthodontist's office.

    I found out something quite interesting yesterday. Wendy's physical science professor, Steven Jones, is now on paid administrative leave as of September 7, 2006. He is the BYU professor who theorizes that it is plausible that bombs, not planes, brought down the World Trade Center towers. The website with the text of the research paper is apparently disabled now (Censorship?), but his ideas are summarized in this Deseret News article. I'm surprised that Mr. Jones hasn't yet been run out of Happy Valley - Provo, Utah - on a rail. Provo was ranked as the most conservative US city last year by the Bay Area Center for Voting Research. Know what the second ranked city was? Lubbock, Texas. View the complete rankings in html or a Word doc. Okay, I'm going to go finish watching Why We Fight now.