September 23, 2006

A Married Person's Guide to Dealing with Singles

Currently watching:
an amazing football game between Notre Dame and Michigan St.

I usually feel the urge to say something tacky in my entries, hoping that someone will comment or send hate e-mail or something! However, it seems that no one is actually reading this blog except me. So let's kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure why it is that so many marrieds feel superior to singles. Maybe its for the same reason the gainfully employed feel within their rights to insult those at the bottom of the corporate food chain, or why homeowners scoff at renters, or why parents feel quite comfortable asking childless couples when they plan to reproduce. An optimist would theorize that the former are happy in their situation and merely want to share that with others, but I usually just say that misery loves company.

I simply aim to give advice to those married folk who want to maintain good relations with their single friends. You may have already abandoned them in favor of socializing with fun couples. They may have abandoned you after your repeated attempts to set them up with friends and relatives. (Or they may have abandoned you because they're sick of your kids pulling their hair and breaking their jewelry. It's hard to know.)

A few points of advice to those who want to avoid social faux pas by insulting their unwed friends:

Don't call your single friend only when you have someone you want to set her up with. This is a transparent move which will be seen through as soon as your number comes up on the CallerID.

Many single people believe they are leading busy, fulfilling lives. You know this is quite impossible, but you should avoid constantly alluding to your own "real life" as much as possible.

Being single does not equal being desperate.

Don't say:

  • Everything will be okay [when you're married]. (untrue)
  • Why don't you move? (hostile)
  • You don't want kids? (absurd)
  • When you're in your thirties, you'll be sorry that you didn't date. (tacky)
  • You're too picky. (my personal pet peeve)
  • You'll meet the perfect guy and forget about your ex. (heartless)
  • You can't give up and quit dating! (too confrontational)
  • There must be something wrong with you. (obvious)
  • If you find that you've already committed one or more of the above social blunders, it may be too late to repair the damage. My recommendation is that you leave your spouse and/or child(ren) with a sitter and treat the single to a girls' night or boys' night. Watch an action movie or controversial documentary together. Don't talk about the opposite sex. This is one way you can reach out.

    Finally, keep in mind that the above advice comes from a girl who is such the old maid, she decided to become a librarian to seal the deal - a girl who was so surprised and flustered when a guy held her hand that she stepped flip-flop first into a sludgy mud puddle - a girl so repulsive that she has been dumped by a person she was not dating (Can you imagine? Men banging down her door to say, "I don't want to date you!" I will provide the name of said beast upon request.).

    I'm actually a closet romantic, but a girl has to have standards.


    Anonymous said...

    This is an outrage! Haha, got your attention? Ok, of course I am not serious, but when am I ever serious.

    I admit to being one who, not only has most likely committed some of the blunders, but who is also repulsed by the thought that I may have become one of "those" people.

    In some twisted way, I think that most people are just really lacking in the conversation department. The dim bulbs of the world have trouble coming up with anything to enlighten the world with, so they feel the need to spread their stupidity. Therefore, they begin to spout out a list of interrogation that would put the best police detective to shame.

    The questions are never ending from the so-called-happier folks.

    "When are you getting married?"
    "Will you be starting a family soon?"
    "Have you made a decision on children?"
    "When are you going to make [insert parent's name here] a grandmother/grandfather?"
    "Oh you will understand when you have your own little bundle of joy!"
    "You need to have a baby and then you will understand."
    "Are you two ever going to have any kids?"
    "Ok, seriously, is there a medical problem, or are you ever going to start a family?"
    "I know the name of a great fertility specailist, if that is the problem. I also happen to know a great sex therapist and marriage counselor, depending on the issue..."
    "I know how important your education has been to you but...."

    The latter is my personal favorite which should be followed up with: "it is time to start popping out those BABIES!"

    I am sure by now, you most likely have identified the problem question for me as of late.

    I will NOT say hang in there, because we both know that is like telling someone that has just been run over by a car that they will feel better soon. Now let's go grab a bite to eat, sans the following: boys/men (depending on who we are refering to), children of any kind, and all others who ask ridiculous questions!!!

    Auntie said...

    Churchill said, "Never, ever, ever, ever give up."

    KimberlyKV said...

    Hee hee. I think that I'm going to end up on the prayer rolls somewhere if I keep spouting off like this.

    Michele, remind me to blog about Obed bringing me roses.