A Married Person's Guide to Dealing with Singles

Currently watching:
an amazing football game between Notre Dame and Michigan St.

I usually feel the urge to say something tacky in my entries, hoping that someone will comment or send hate e-mail or something! However, it seems that no one is actually reading this blog except me. So let's kick it up a notch.

I'm not sure why it is that so many marrieds feel superior to singles. Maybe its for the same reason the gainfully employed feel within their rights to insult those at the bottom of the corporate food chain, or why homeowners scoff at renters, or why parents feel quite comfortable asking childless couples when they plan to reproduce. An optimist would theorize that the former are happy in their situation and merely want to share that with others, but I usually just say that misery loves company.

I simply aim to give advice to those married folk who want to maintain good relations with their single friends. You may have already abandoned them in favor of socializing with fun couples. They may have abandoned you after your repeated attempts to set them up with friends and relatives. (Or they may have abandoned you because they're sick of your kids pulling their hair and breaking their jewelry. It's hard to know.)

A few points of advice to those who want to avoid social faux pas by insulting their unwed friends:

Don't call your single friend only when you have someone you want to set her up with. This is a transparent move which will be seen through as soon as your number comes up on the CallerID.

Many single people believe they are leading busy, fulfilling lives. You know this is quite impossible, but you should avoid constantly alluding to your own "real life" as much as possible.

Being single does not equal being desperate.

Don't say:

Everything will be okay [when you're married]. (untrue)

Why don't you move? (hostile)

You don't want kids? (absurd)

When you're in your thirties, you'll be sorry that you didn't date. (tacky)

You're too picky. (my personal pet peeve)

You'll meet the perfect guy and forget about your ex. (heartless)

You can't give up and quit dating! (too confrontational)

There must be something wrong with you. (obvious)

If you find that you've already committed one or more of the above social blunders, it may be too late to repair the damage. My recommendation is that you leave your spouse and/or child(ren) with a sitter and treat the single to a girls' night or boys' night. Watch an action movie or controversial documentary together. Don't talk about the opposite sex. This is one way you can reach out.

Finally, keep in mind that the above advice comes from a girl who is such the old maid, she decided to become a librarian to seal the deal - a girl who was so surprised and flustered when a guy held her hand that she stepped flip-flop first into a sludgy mud puddle - a girl so repulsive that she has been dumped by a person she was not dating (Can you imagine? Men banging down her door to say, "I don't want to date you!" I will provide the name of said beast upon request.).

I'm actually a closet romantic, but a girl has to have standards.